Ever have those moments where it seems like the house is on fire with screaming kids and wild behavior? It can feel like you are standing in the middle not sure what to do next?
When we served, we were trained to remain in control, have a plan, always know the next step to take.
When it comes to being a dad, you generally have little control, no plan, and stuck to know what that next step is.
That is what I loved about this episode with Alisa, she lays out a framework for that and so much more.
If you haven’t listened to this episode yet, check it out here.
It all boils down to one-word CONNECTION!
I have grown into the belief over the last few years that almost all of our kids’ behavior bowls down to the deficit they are feeling in there life but not sure how to articulate it because they just don’t have the emotional depth to understand it.
One question I ask myself when my kids are acting up is, have I been investing in them over the past week and if this is a reaction to that gap.
What Alisa talks about is that when a child misbehaves the simplest thing for us to do is redirect and spend 10 minutes with them.
After recording this episode, I gave this a shot and misdirected some bad behavior and said, “let daddy finish this quick and then we can go spend 10 minutes together.” It worked better than I expected, her behavior at that moment stopped, and after the 10 minutes, she was like a completely different kid.
Keep in mind she is 7, and all we did was throw a silly ball back and forth on the floor in her bedroom. She just wanted that 1:1 attention that only a parent can give.
Daily Deposits
I learned last year with a new morning gym routine that making small daily deposits in the bank of tomorrow increases the ROI on my time investment each morning. This mindset is perfect with 10 Minutes together because that is precisely what you are doing, you are making those small deposits in your child’s life that will lead to an overall healthy physically and mentally capable adult.
I have heard legacy best described as planting seeds in a garden you never get to see grow.
Isn’t that what we are doing as parents every day?
This episode really brought home the point that many veterans and active duty dads get hung up on the legacy of our service, but to really come home we need to shift our focus to the next legacy, our family.
The kind of adults we put out into the world matters and it starts with these simple 10-minute connections time.
How We Show Up
If there is one thing that has hurt my parenting worse than anything else, it is not having a lot of friends growing up. I have overcome the friend’s part today for the most part, still a continuing struggle, but it shows up in my parenting where I want to be my kids’ best friend.
Is this something you struggle with?
When you are trying to be there best friend, it becomes difficult to be firm when they are miss behaving.
I often run into struggles trying to set boundaries. It is something my wife is great at, but if I am honest, it is still a struggle for me most days to balance this.
I asked this question to Alisa, and her response was terrific and hit home for me big time. But it was awesome because what I am doing is good, but I am missing one piece, being firm.
She talked about the research showing that a compassionate, but firm parent is the key.
My primary takeaway was that we just need to focus on keeping our word as dads, do what we say, and follow through on our commitments.
Don’t say a punishment we are not willing to follow through on.
But on the other side of that coin be compassionate, CONNECT, and learned to listen to what they are saying and feeling.
Rabbit Listened
As dads we can rush to give advice or our opinion on a topic, we see it in our marriage, our kids, and our work. I have struggled with this most of my life because of a lack of self-confidence in my own life; I always wanted people to hear me.
As I have learned on my journey as a husband and a dad often what people really need in our life is for us to listen.
Alisa shared a children’s book called “Rabbit Listened” which shares a story of a boy who was terrified by something and had a bunch of animals who come by who all think they know exactly what he needs.
And the last one, the Rabbit, didn’t have anything to say, he just listened.
So much of what the people in our life really need is not our opinion or advice, they just need someone to listen and validate how they are feeling.
What was your big takeaway from the episode and what part hit home for you the most?
Be sure to download her free resource, 85 Ways to Connect for 10 Minutes
