Ever heard the marriage advice, always express your concerns about a situation using the “I feel” method?  Its easier said than done, but still a noble goal to work towards.  But marriage is not the topic of this post.

I realized something after reading a different blog post on this topic that when it comes to our kids how often do we really express how something makes us feel.

Very often parenting is telling kids to do one thing or another because I said so.  Or when kids misbehave, it’s about correcting the behavior, but almost never do we express openly how that behavior made us feel.

Over the past few months, I have been working with my oldest to understand what she is feeling or how a situation felt and how it made others feel.

Recently my son said something to my youngest that hurt her feelings and at this moment I knelt down next to my son and asked “how does this make you feel when you say things like that,” usually the response is angry.  Then I ask how do you think it made the other person feel after you said that.  Usually, the answer is “sad.” And then we both agree that it is not something we are supposed to intentionally do.

I feel like getting kids to recognize how they feel in a moment and how they make others feel through there actions is a practice to build empathy and compassion for others.

But lately, I feel I haven’t been doing enough in this area to really move the needle, but I realized that I am not modeling this as a parent.   I need to lead by example and say things like “I feel really sad when you guys don’t listen” or “I feel frustrated when the living room is a mess and its time to leave.”

If we want our kids to learn to express, their life in “How I feel” statements they first need to see it modeled.

It was really interesting the first night I did this, the kids looked interested in making sure I didn’t feel sad anymore.  It was almost like a magic trick, I kept thinking is this really working.  I just have to say how I feel to the kids when they do something, and they will work change directions.

I know these results are not going to be perfect and as the weekend went on, the magic wore off a little but I still believe that if I want them to process how they are feeling more and feel safe saying it to each other then I need to practice it daily.

It goes back to why the marriage advice works so well because in a space of love for each other when you express how you feel to the other person, they generally want to help change that or correct the situation.  Because when we love each other it is possible to still hurt each other’s feeling unintentionally.  But when you express it in a way that is reflective of, “we” the solution is on the other person to remedy it.

 

This past weekend I was watching our new favorite Christmas movie on Netflix, “The Christmas Chronicles.”

It is not new this year, but it was last year, and we probably watched it 10 times last year.  This year it hit me a little different now being on the other side of 50 podcast episodes.  It’s a great story about Christmas, loss in a family, but most importantly it highlights one of the most important gifts we give our kids.

The belief in themselves.

In the movie, the dad was a Firefighter and lost his life-saving others.  And it cripples their son who didn’t get to say some words to his father, and now he is feeling lost and looking for meaning in all the wrong areas. 

Luckily, he has a younger sister who isn’t ready to give up on him or Santa, and they begin an adventure about saving Christmas and bring everyone home. 

There was a word at the end that came to the surface for me more than any other theme, and that is “confidence.”.  As a father, this is one of the most significant responsibilities we have; we must raise confident men. 

In the movie the son has a knife his dad gave him and on it, it says “A Pierce always sees it through” and it has a special meaning towards the end of the movie where the son reconnects with the lessons his dad gave him and how he can best stand up on his own.

It’s a great example of how our legacy lives well beyond our life and how the lessons we teach them can carry our family well beyond our time with them.

How many people do you know in your life that struggle to believe in who they are?  I see a lot, including myself and it’s a daily practice for me to acknowledge that I have everything inside of me to change my life for the better. 

I am a big believer that when we build strong, confident men, who understand their own power to create a life of there choosing, we give them the power shape the world. 

The same confidence applies to raise strong confident women, that when a girl believes in herself more than what others say around her, she can step through anything. 

If you look around our society today, many people seek confidence externally either through Instagram, Facebook, or ego.  It looks good on the surface, but it leaves them empty on the inside because without that external validation it can often be challenging to deal with hardships. 

It takes that internal self-love to move through difficult times. No amount of Instagram followers is going to help you move through the death of a parent. 

Confidence is a crucial cornerstone of raising kids to be good adults, and as Military Dads we have a lot of life experiences we can use and leverage to help build that confidence up in our kids. 

Remembering that when a child has the confidence to believe they can change the world by just being themselves, something crazy happiness, they generally do. 

Netflix – Christmas Chronicles Trailer

Netflix – Christmas Chronicles Movie

On Veterans Days we honor the ones who are with us that served and pay respect to that sacrifice.  As a husband, a father, and a Marine veteran it means something a little different to me.  When I first transitioned out of the Marines in 2007, being a veteran was really the last thing I wanted to be known for or be recognized for. Serving for a veteran doesn’t make us special, it is just a thing we did and now it is behind us.  But really, we never put it behind us because we are always looking for answers to questions like why my service mattered and often, we may conclude it didn’t. That is where I take a different approach, our time in service mattered because it strengthened us to become better human beings, to have a richer life, and to be better moms and dads. Veterans carry a lot of experiences with them, some good, some bad, but these are tools in the toolbox of our life for a job we just haven’t found a use for yet. In a lot of ways veterans come home, but never really come home, next time you see a veteran don’t thank us for our service, tell us “welcome home” because that may be the first time someone hears it and triggers the process to start for them to come home to their family. Being a veteran to me means creating a life using the tools and experiences my military service gave me and creating a life worthy of the sacrifice of the ones that didn’t come home. It is creating a legacy of the family so strong it rivals the dent in the universe.  Steve Jobs is quoted as saying “we are here to put a dent in the universe,” I take that to hear each day so that when someone walks by that dent they say that was the Killoy’s. It can be easy to focus on the legacy of our service, but this focus leads to questions like why I lived, and others didn’t, and it takes away the power we have as an individual to move our life forward. In short, they died so that you could go back and be the best human being, mom or dad you can be. On Veteran’s Day, I would like to challenge everyone who reads this to see a veteran as an example and inspiration for the kind of life and legacy we want to create.  One that is full of adventure, depth, community, and family. Create a life worthy of their sacrifice, create a legacy that reaches well past a veteran’s four-year enlistment, one that goes generationally in the future. This is how we honor veterans on Veterans Day.  

It has been 12 years since I left the Marine Corps and began the long road back to civilian life. As I write this its July 2019 another 4^th of July is upon us. 

Every year we go to a local parade and being in the Midwest, it is filled with lots of Firetrucks, tractors, and floats. And every year I can’t help but cry when the Flags walk by. Last year I took an extra few moments to dig into the emotion and see what triggers it.

I never served in Iraq or Afghanistan or had to deal with the loss of a friend, but every year, it still gets me. A couple of words came to mind, joy, happiness, overwhelmed, thankful, and the last one was disconnected.

Disconnected was an odd one as I didn’t know what it meant, why would I feel disconnected in a moment that should be like every other moment.

So I dug down some more and remembered the very first time I cried on the 4th of July, and it was the year 2006. I was stationed in Okinawa at the time, and I was home on leave that summer over the 4th. It had been the first time I had been in the states over the holiday since joining.

I remember reflecting at that moment in 2006 that most people in America will never know or even begin to understand what the cost of freedom is. I looked around at people watching and thinking about all my fellow Marines serving in the war at the time or just stationed away from family. We celebrate this holiday in the United States like 1776 all over again, and the declaration was just signed. But to me it’s more than that, it’s about the sacrifice that has taken place between 1776 and now.

And ever since that parade in 2006, I cry every year in the same moment when the veterans begin to carry the flags, and the Firetrucks compound the emotion of their sacrifice to serve and protect.

I reflect and remember that the beginning is a reminder of the sacrifice taking place to be free.

I think back to my travels to the Philippines and appreciating the freedom and opportunity we all get to enjoy in our country. This perspective is what is missing on this holiday. We far to often reflect inward on why Freedom is essential to our country, but I always find myself thinking about how important freedom is to the world.

I reflect on the 4th of July not has a celebration for our Independence, but for what it is really is. The turning point when a brave few men said, no more. No more will men and woman will be controlled by governments, monarchs, or ternary. Freedom is now prevalent throughout the world, but this day represents when the momentum shifted.

And so I cry on the 4th of July because of the overwhelming joy and appreciation for what I have as Veteran, Husband, and Dad to shape the world around me. I cry because of my connection to my podcast, the Military Veteran Dad, and the mission to bring every dad home. 

One theme has come through on the podcast that is worth repeating every chance I get. Others died so that I could hug my kids at night.  I may not have been in battle, but others did and those that didn’t come home never will hug their kids nor will there kids hug there dad. 

I reflect on the freedom this holiday represents and leaving a legacy of a family that is worthy of their sacrifice.    

Most importantly, we never forget that it was a day where the world was changed forever.

 

This answer comes to us from the Disney movie Coco and the celebration of the tradition of the day of the dead.  The day of the dead is the celebration of the ones who have left this life and moved onto the next.  The multi-day holiday involves family and friends gathering to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died and help support their spiritual journey. In Mexican culture, death is viewed as a natural part of the human cycle. Mexicans see it not as a day of sadness but as a day of celebration because of their loved ones awake and celebrate with them.

Watching the movie Coco with my kids, I connected this idea to Veterans and Active Duty dads who are no longer with us. A dad is only forgotten when his legacy fades way, and his name is no longer remembered. 

What I have learned so far on the Military Veteran Dad podcast is that as Military Veteran Dads, we get hung up trying to make our legacy of our service mean something. 

We far to often don’t see it just as a job, we see it as our identity, we see it as our purpose, we see it as our legacy. 

Then we lose a friend in battle, or maybe a friend sacrificed their life so that we could live so we get hung up on why us? 

It becomes an endless loop of questioning in our head that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight.

We transition out of the military and ultimately lose our self because of what my good friend Chris Hoffman who runs the Ambitious Vet podcast calls going from Superman to Clark Kent. 

It seems our whole world collapses around us because we have our entire self-worth, legacy, and identity tied to the Military. 

So what does this have to do with when is a veteran forgotten?   Everything!

In almost every episode of the podcast, we talk about legacy and what the real legacy of our life is, and that is our family. 

Yes, serving your country is noble, it is rare, it mattered, but it was about protecting our freedoms, not our legacy. 

When we switch from creating a legacy of service to a legacy of our family, we will create memories and bonds that will never let you be forgotten. 

Andy Stumpf, host of the Cleared Hot podcast put this beautifully in a conversation he had with Dakota Meyer.  When we served our effectiveness was limited to the range of our rifle, as a dad the range of our effectiveness could be measured generally in centuries, not yards. 

Our family is the best chance we have to continue to have our name mentioned well beyond the years on this earth. 

If you lost a friend while serving, live a life worthy of there sacrifice, hug your kids two times as much because they no longer get to hug theirs. 

Think about it, how many names can you remember of those who served? Typically, it’s the legends like Chesty Puller, McArthur that live throughout time. 

The movie Coco reminds us of this correctly as it ends with a memorial to his grandfather so that he continues to live on. 

I recently came across a non-profit called 22 Too Many who Kirby Scott from episode 16 made me aware of.  This group enables runners to sponsor a Military Veteran who has died and lets you wear them on your back during a run. 

It enables that person’s name and face to impact others in a way that you never know.  It helps cement the legacy of a person’s life and who they were and who they left behind. 

Going back to the title of this post, a veteran is only forgotten when we longer remember who they were and the impact they made on this world.

Knowing the end is only have the battle.  Right now, if you are reading this, you are still alive, breathing, and able to impact this world. 

Right now, your kids are still near you, they will always look to you for wisdom and guidance through there life. 

Legacy is how we can live a life never gotten, but while we are alive, it is up to us to make that impact.  What you leave behind will be your legacy, and it will take deliberate actions in your life while you are alive to ensure it goes on. 

Our kids are the best chance we have of this coming true. 

My friend Vincent Pugliese author of Freelance to Freedom tells a story in his book that I will never forget.

Billy Graham once said that he has spoken to stadiums of 60,000 people and he would have had a more significant impact on this earth if he would have spent that time with his kids. 

Take that wisdom from a man who lived a lot of years and reflect where your time is best spent. 

Our service is over, we served our country, it happened, its all facts in the history books.  Our next service that doesn’t end till we leave this earth is being a dad.  It is a daily chance to impact this world that never ends. 

It enables us to live a life that is never forgotten.